


Lie With Me

by smiley_seulgi



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Coming of Age, F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 20:58:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15518445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smiley_seulgi/pseuds/smiley_seulgi
Summary: "Lie with me," Irene said.The double meaning wasn't lost on Seulgi at all.This is a story that focuses more on personal growth than a romantic relationship...think overcoming a toxic relationship and discovering your true self worth rather than a romance story.





	1. Take a Breath

 

 

        Seulgi knows she can’t blame Seungwan for all that’s happened, but it’s difficult to deny that the vocalist _hadn’t_ played a role in all of this, in the giant mess they’d gotten themselves tangled up in.

        Seulgi’s suddenly unsure of where she stands within Red Velvet now that her whole world has gone off kilter. She feels lost without Irene’s smile directed at her, without her affections or her eyes raking over her.

        Her and Irene had always been with each other, in some sense of the word. For the past three years, they’d been _together together,_ but even before that, when they had been trainees struggling to maintain their hope of debuting – Seulgi had been Irene’s and Irene had been Seulgi’s. Now, however, was a different story.

         _Now,_ the older woman was clinging to Seungwan’s arm tightly, smoothing out the robust fabric of the Canadian’s blazer sleeve with her delicate fingers. With her other hand, perfectly manicured nails reflected off of the golden trophy. Seulgi allows her eyes to briefly appraise the older woman, feeling a twinge of disappointment in herself when she realizes that she’s never truly going to hate Irene for what’s become of them.

        How could she hate someone she’s loved for so long?

        How could she hate the epitome of an ethereal being, even if Irene had taken her heart and squandered it as if it meant nothing?

         Irene looks as flawless as usual, with her long black locks tousled elegantly over her slender shoulders, her face awash with a gorgeous smile. The sight reminds Seulgi of the mornings before the breakup, where she’d wake up to find their naked limbs intertwined and Irene’s tresses fanned out on their sheets.

        She tries to remember the last time she’d woken up with the older woman still beside her, with the shorter woman’s arm thrown across her stomach. Seulgi frowns. It had to have been at least two days since she’d started waking to a cold, empty bed.

        Swallowing hard at the thought of the nights they spent together, of Irene’s lust filled gaze and the smirk she’d always give Seulgi before diving straight in, Seulgi’s gaze flicked away. She accidentally meets Seungwan’s eye in the process, and realizes there’s something like guilt residing in the vocalist’s unreadable gaze.

        Seungwan knows what she’s done, what her role was in the treason towards Seulgi she’s committed. She has to know. It’s not as if Irene and Seulgi had kept their relationship a secret from the other girls, so Seungwan _must_ have known.

        For a moment, Seulgi allows herself to muse over how long Seungwan must’ve been harboring feelings for Irene. She begins internally debating with herself over which one of them it was who had brought forth the dismantling of Irene’s devotion to their relationship. Which one had taken that final step, Seungwan or Irene?

         Seulgi turns away quickly. She tries to focus on the confetti falling around them, the screams of their fans, the brilliant smile Yeri’s shooting her. It’s pathetic, she knows, but she can’t help but be taken aback by how _normal_ Seungwan and Irene are acting despite the circumstances. Then again, Seulgi reasons with herself, neither one of their hearts were broken while sorting out the matter of her own heart.

        The sounds of the cheering crowd fade away until all Seulgi can hear are Irene’s words whispered in her ear, repeating the end of their relationship in the same soft, silky voice she had fallen in love with so many years ago.

 

        **

 

        “This sort of thing happens you know,” the older woman said gently, flashing Seulgi a pitying look. Seulgi’s sitting at the foot of her bed, watching Irene pace up and down along the carpet in front of her. The door was shut, locked tightly in fear of any of the members interrupting them, and Seulgi’s heart throbbed in a slow, leaden tempo.

        If there’s one thing about Irene that drew Seulgi in, other than the older woman’s unmatched beauty, it was the sound of her voice. Back when they were trainees, they’d often call each other on the phone if they couldn’t sleep. Irene’s soothing tone would instantly lull her to sleep as they talked about the mundane occurrences in their lives to pass the time.

        Now, the older woman’s tone did anything but comfort Seulgi. But at least the younger woman wasn’t caught completely off guard by the news. She’d known there was something up between Seungwan and Irene for a while now.

        She’d had a silent inkling, a jealous flame that had sparked within her heart and set her veins aflame. But Seulgi hadn’t been sure of its cause until now. And when the time came for the truth to be revealed and she sat staring into Irene’s soulless eyes as she broke the news and there were tears dropping softly on her duvet, Seulgi hadn’t felt mad.

        She’d gazed at the love of her life, trying to decipher if she were simply dreaming or if Irene actually had just broken up with her. Irene hadn’t mentioned Seungwan’s name, but Seulgi knew. She wondered when the red-hot emotion would kick in, or if it ever would.

        To her, it seemed like the sorrowful stage of her heartbreak would never end. With every passing moment, the realization that Irene wasn’t hers became more and more apparent, and she felt as though she were drowning in her tears.

        “Sometimes…feelings change, you know?”

        That was what Irene had said, but even the way she said it made it seem as if she were offering up a deflated, sheepish apology. It made Seulgi’s stomach lurch. Nine years of sticking by each other’s side, through thick and thin, through the greatest hardships of their lives, and this was all Irene had to offer her by way of reassurance.

        Irene had tilted up Seulgi’s lowered head by pressing a lone finger underneath her chin, but instead of pressing a kiss to Seulgi’s mouth like she usually would’ve, Irene merely gave her an empty half smile. “We can still be friends, Seulgi-yah,” Irene murmurs soothingly, though her voice was cracking.

        Seulgi understood that this statement was an empty lie, and she elevated her jaw away from Irene’s gentle touch. They _had_ to remain friends is what Irene should’ve said, but it was implied nonetheless. They had become one of SM’s leading girl groups. Of _course_ they had to pretend to be buddies.

        You can’t go from long time lovers to friends in the blink of an eye, that’s not how emotions or life or humans worked. Friends haven’t been in love with each other for nine years, friends don’t make love to each other or steal kisses from each other before going onstage, friends don’t have the kinds of memories of each other like they had.

        She didn’t _want_ to be just friends with Irene. She’d been looking at _rings,_ had been planning an engagement, had been dreaming of days where she would call Irene her wife. But Seulgi didn’t say any of this. She didn’t bring up the seven year contract binding them to Red Velvet, didn’t mention the fact that there was no way Seulgi could ever escape Irene and Seungwan together.

        Rather, the younger woman studied Irene then, allowing eyes trailing over each perfect feature that made up Irene’s hardened expression, as if she were taking one last look at the person she thought she knew. “You don’t love me anymore?” Seulgi whispered, almost unable to believe it herself, almost not wanting to hear the answer but knowing she had to.

        “No,” Irene answered quickly, quietly. Her words had been full of swift certainty, making the younger woman begin wondering exactly _when_ had Irene fallen out of love with her. Seulgi nodded slowly, still trying to figure out if this were all some sort of prank the older woman was playing on her. “Seungwan, huh?”

        She swallowed thickly when Irene’s expression flickered with surprise, as if the pair hadn’t been overly affectionate towards each other, as if there wasn’t always that doubt lingering in the back of Seulgi’s mind. The younger woman might not have been able to foresee Irene breaking up with her, but she had definitely noticed the way the vocalist and the leader had steadily grown closer and closer together in the past few months.

        “My best friend, and my girlfriend,” Seulgi murmured, shaking her head in disbelief, snorting pitifully to herself. She felt the dip of the bed when Irene cautiously took a seat next to her, felt the warmth of the woman she’d come to love almost more than life itself.

        When had their lives taken a turn towards reality TV show material? Seulgi almost felt like laughing in Irene’s face and asking where the hidden cameras were so they could joke about it together, but Seulgi knew better than to do so.

        The look Irene was giving her told her all she needed to know. “ _Ex-_ girlfriend,” Irene reaffirmed, wringing her hands together in her lap. At that, Seulgi’s eyebrows lifted, and she leaned back into the cushions of the sofa, unable to look at the angelic being sitting beside her.

        Bae Irene, her ex-girlfriend. An official breakup without actually uttering the words. _Neat trick_ , Seulgi thinks to herself bitterly. She’s silent for a moment, trying to still the rapid beating of her broken heart. “How could you do this to us, Joohyun-ah?” Seulgi knew it wasn’t her fault that their relationship had withered away, she’d been a constant in Irene’s life ever since they were trainees together.

        Seulgi remained endlessly faithful to the older woman throughout the years they had spent together. She had devoted everything to Irene in a way. They’d picked each other up at their lowest, had urged each other to continue, had seen each other at their absolute worst. She would’ve given up her dream of debuting years ago had it not been for the older woman’s encouraging words.

        Yet even after all of this, Irene had still thrown everything they had out the window. In a way, it seemed to Seulgi that she hadn’t meant anything to Irene at all, as if the nine years they’d known each other meant nothing to her. Which Seulgi _knows_ isn’t true, because she’d been everything for Irene, too…once.

        Seulgi watched the older woman wince slightly, as if those words finally cut into the indifferent façade she’d been putting up, as if her real name rolling off of Seulgi’s tongue felt like a dagger. The leader’s pretty pink lips opened, then closed, and Seulgi tried to pretend like she didn’t want to desperately kiss her, to feel Irene’s lips beneath hers just one last time even in that moment of betrayal.

        When Irene gets up to retreat to her own room a moment later, she didn’t look over her shoulder like Seulgi had been hoping she would. Irene left Seulgi’s shattered spirit spread out in her bed sheets without a second thought or a sparing glance, unable to give Seulgi the answer she longed to hear, and Seulgi just let her go.

 

        **

 

        Seulgi lets a few tears slip while they’re onstage, given that they could easily be explained by the moving emotion of their music show win.

        Her nose becomes tinted with red, and her cheeks won’t stop their furious blushing, and she feels drained all of the sudden. Sooyoung throws an arm over her slender shoulders, subtly whispering, “Are you okay?”, into her ear.

        Nodding profusely, Seulgi manages to whip out her best winning smile to deflect any suspicion from the two of them. Not that Seungwan or Irene would have noticed her discomfort in the first place. The pair were much too engrossed in holding onto each other and singing into the same mic to even look Seulgi’s way. It had been a few days since Irene had broken up with her, but it still stung as though it had happened last night.

        Seulgi’s the first to enter their dressing room to change into comfortable clothes, and the first to make her way towards their van, or so she thought. She bumps into someone on the way towards the car along the dimly lit path by the parking lot, but when she turns around to apologize, she wishes she hadn’t looked at all.

        Irene’s cherry colored lipstick is smothered across Seungwan’s mouth when the pair suddenly part, startled by Seulgi’s interference. The two of them look at her silently, unable to speak through their labored breathing and half lidded eyes. There isn’t an ounce of remorse in Irene’s expression, and for half a second, Seulgi’s disgusted with herself for even falling for the older woman in the first place.

        Then she remembers how it felt to have Irene kiss her, to be swept up in Irene’s storm, and her heart relents. Yes, there was no doubt about it. Seulgi was still madly in love with the older woman, and that hurt more than the actual heartbreak. Yet here she was, still forgiving all of Irene’s sins, one by one.

        “Guess it’s a good thing I’m not Dispatch,” Seulgi chuckles darkly underneath her breath, giving the pair one last lingering, warning look before she leaves the scene. She turns on her heel, her shoes clicking on the pavement until she opens the van door quietly, slipping in first.

        She sat there in the dark of the vehicle, trying to process everything that she’d seen, everything she wished she _hadn’t_ seen. Such as Irene’s half unbuttoned top, or Seungwan’s nails raking over the exposed skin of Irene’s throat, or the way Irene’s eyes betrayed no emotion when Seulgi looked at her.

        The way they’d been so entwined each other…Seulgi knew that couldn’t have been the first time they’d kissed, but it was the first time she’d seen them. Seulgi also knew that if she stayed, it wouldn’t be the last time she’d see them kiss, either.

        Sooyoung and Yeri slip in behind her a few minutes later, settling next to Seulgi on either side in the backseat, both chatting lowly to each other about their new trophy. Seungwan and Irene arrive last after another five minutes, holding hands and stealing glances at each other the entire car ride back to their dorm. Seulgi pretends not to see the lone concerned look Seungwan shoots her before their manager recites their schedule for the next day.

        Seulgi puts on a poker face, that way if anyone were to see her, they’d merely see her blank visage rather than the whirlwind of emotions threatening to overflow. Deep down, Seulgi feels sick to her stomach again, just like how she had when Irene had sat her down and broke up with her. She’s had this inkling feeling for months that Irene had changed…but she’d dreaded mentioning it.

        Saying something would make it true, and then the truth would manifest itself, which would in turn make it _real_. So Seulgi kept mum for as long as she could, trying to prolong their relationship, using her best efforts to show Irene just how much she loved her. It was all for nothing. Irene must have lost her spark long ago, and Seulgi was just now realizing it.

        Seulgi didn’t bring up why Irene began preferring to sit next to Seungwan instead of her. She didn’t ask why Irene seemed to be putting up her defenses towards her again, why she wasn’t spending time with her anymore. She was afraid of losing the tiny bit of Irene she still had left, and now look where that got her. Absolutely nowhere.

         _How long can we stay together like this?_ Seulgi mused, staring out of her window. _How long can Red Velvet continue to last?_ The tension between her, Irene, and Seungwan was undeniable. Whenever the three of them were together, the new couple always tiptoed around her, as if they were afraid Seulgi was going to snap at them.

        She was certain that the fans were beginning to notice the changes amongst them. Seulgi guesses that this is what happens when your girlfriend falls out of love with you, then latches onto your best friend, who doesn’t deny her affections, but returns them as well.

        Seulgi knows she should feel furious, that she should see red every time Seungwan and Irene are together, but she doesn’t. Like always, she feels emptiness, as if Irene had torn out her heart after she’d moved out of the space within Seulgi’s heart. Perhaps the hollow in her chest was worse than feeling angry.

        Yeri’s head slumped onto her shoulder, breaking Seulgi out of her thoughts. The younger girl was absolutely exhausted and had begun nuzzling her way into a more comfortable position when Seulgi leaned over till their heads leaned against each other. Her face broke out into one of her radiant smiles as Yeri hummed happily and settled against her.

        Grinning was a rarity for Seulgi nowadays, considering the circumstances. She caught Irene’s steady gaze in the rearview mirror of the van when she looked up. Instantly, her smile paled back to her straightened, stony expression, but she held Irene’s lingering stare with poise.

        She noted the way Irene’s lipstick had been scrubbed off, the way Irene’s grip on Seungwan’s hand tightened instinctively as Seulgi’s eyes raked over her, as if she were afraid Seulgi could whisk her new lover away. Neither of them could seem to tear their eyes away from each other, and somehow, Seulgi imagines they’re both thinking of the same thing.

        A memory flooded through her from years prior, when their “thing” had begun to progress into something of more importance.

 

         _She and Irene are sitting cross legged next to each other in one of SM Entertainment’s many practice rooms, waiting for their rehearsal to begin. Irene has an arm thrown around Seulgi’s thin waist, holding her as a sob racked her body violently._

         _“It’s alright, Seulgi-ah,” Irene murmured in her ear, pressing a warm kiss to the side of Seulgi’s head. Soft and soothing, the older girl’s words fill Seulgi’s head with calming thoughts. “One bad test score isn’t the end of the entire world, I promise.”_

         _For someone who’d earned straight A’s her entire life, it was hard for Seulgi to see any rhyme or reason about the situation at hand. “I’m going to end up failing this class,” Seulgi whimpered, covering her face with her hands, “And if I do that, then I’ll never get to debut.”_

         _Irene shook her head, clicking her tongue in a reprimanding manner. “You’re forgetting something, Seul.” The younger girl looked up at Irene with a curious look, confused as to what she meant. Irene leans in until she’s nose to nose with Seulgi, eyes lingering over Seulgi’s mouth._

         _“You have me,” Irene whispers, studying Seulgi’s expression, “Don’t worry. I’ll never stop helping you with your schoolwork. You can always come over to my dorm and I’ll tutor you the best I can.” A sigh of relief escapes from Seulgi’s cherry red lips, and she hastily wipes away the tears that had spattered down her cheeks._

         _A second later, a blissful grin comes over her, and she beams up at the older girl. “There she is!” Irene exclaims, clapping her hands together triumphantly at getting Seulgi to finally crack a smile. “You know…I like it best when you’re smiling,” the older girl continues, giving the younger girl a fond look._

         _There was something different in the way Irene looked at her then, Seulgi thought, though at the time, she hadn’t been sure what it was. “You’re always so pretty when you smile, Seul.”_

 

        In the end, it’s Irene who breaks their eye contact, turning in her seat to press a chase kiss to Seungwan’s cheek. Seulgi notes the way the Canadian reddens instantly at the unexpected gesture, as if she’s unused to such affections. Perhaps Seungwan wasn’t. It didn’t matter, it all hurt just the same.

        Seulgi could tell Irene was gauging her reaction from the mirror, trying to see what would get underneath her skin, but she but refuses to give the older woman the pleasure. Seulgi keeps her eyes glued to view outside the window, blurs of taillights and lit storefronts. Her thoughts drifted back to what she’d been thinking of earlier, before Yeri had interrupted her.

        Seulgi knew she wanted to leave, even if she loved each of the members of Red Velvet with her entire being. Nothing felt entirely right to her anymore now that the dynamics within their group had shifted in such drastic ways. Yeri presses against her harder, and Seulgi finds herself smiling again, a comforting hand resting on the younger girl’s shoulder.

        Maybe she could stay stronger for a little while longer, for Yeri’s sake, she thought to herself. She and Irene had practically raised Yeri themselves when they were still training. The memories rushing to the surface of her and Irene and trainee days caused her to bite the inside of her cheek. They were just another reminder of how different Irene was today, how she hardly recognized the person she thought she would spend the rest of her life with.

        Sooyoung crans her neck and gives them a smile, but Seulgi can tell that she’s as drowsy as Yeri is. Seulgi turns away towards the window again, feeling tears pricking at her vision. Could she bear to stay in Red Velvet? Red Velvet – a group where Irene didn’t love her anymore and Seungwan had taken her place in Irene’s heart?

        For Sooyoung and Yeri…Seulgi knew she at least had to try.

 

 


	2. Take It In

 

 

        She and Irene are alone for the first time a month after Irene had broken up with her. Seulgi comes waltzing into the kitchen one afternoon, fresh out of the shower, when the sight of Irene standing in the kitchen greeted her.

        The older woman had her back turned to Seulgi, and was rummaging through the kitchen cupboards for something to snack on. Unconsciously, she tugs at the belt of her white fuzzy bathrobe a little tighter.

        The older woman’s eyes had always had the tendency to wander. The last thing Seulgi wanted to think about was how Irene used to look at her, sultry enough to almost qualify as sinful, hot enough to melt away any of Seulgi’s previous protests.

        She didn’t need those kinds of thoughts flooding into her mind. Especially when she wasn’t wearing any clothes underneath her robe, and _especially_ when she remembered everything Irene had done to her. She couldn’t get caught up in lust now, even if she did miss the way Irene used to burn into her soul using her tongue and teeth and fingers.

        “Could you pass the milk, please?” Seulgi asks in a quiet voice, her cadence giving away just how exhausted she was from the mere sight of Irene. It was odd thing, having to relearn how to behave around Seungwan and Irene.

        It was an internal struggle within herself to not reach out and seek comfort from Irene, the person who had put her in this situation in the first place. There were days where Seulgi wanted nothing more than to run back into Irene’s arms, press her mouth against the older woman’s lips and revel in the taste that had been the love of her life.

        Today would not be one of those days. Seulgi knew there would never be another day like that again. She just needed to keep her willpower firm and strong, she couldn’t give in to the desire Irene had left her scrambling to seek refuge in. Wordlessly, the carton is slid across the counter and into Seulgi’s waiting grasp.

        She can tell Irene’s eyes are boring into her, that the older woman is waiting for her to speak again, perhaps about their current situation, but Seulgi’s too devoid of emotion to care. All of her energy when they weren’t on stage or rushing to radio and variety shows was spent on avoiding the older woman at all costs - a difficult feat in itself, seeing as Irene was their _leader._

        There are so many unspoken rules, countless imaginary boundaries Seulgi’s too scared to cross, and so she doesn’t even bother. She picks her clothes out of Irene’s closet, she keeps her earbuds in whenever she’s around the dorm, and she doesn’t speak to hardly anyone except for Sooyoung and Yeri when she’s at home.

        Although Irene had become one of her closest friends and confidants over the years that they’d known each other, Seulgi had to remember just how much Irene had betrayed her. It was difficult to believe, but it had happened, it was real.

        Truthfully, Seulgi was still reeling from the fact that Seungwan and Irene had blindsided her like this. But being an idol is hard, and promoting is brutal, and eventually Seulgi just stopped questioning the reasons why. Sometimes, there just isn’t a reason.

        What’s done is done, as they say. Seulgi’s just doing her best to stay out of the way, to spare herself some of the pain of seeing two of her closest friends together, acting all lovey dovey with each other no matter where they were. She almost saw them like two desperate high schoolers in their first relationship, unable to keep their hands off of each other.

        Seulgi couldn’t divulge just how broken Irene had left her, though she was sure the older woman had some sort of idea. They _had_ been friends for nearly a decade by then. No one knew her like Irene did, but she still wouldn’t let Irene see her in such a state. So she’d kept herself glued to Sooyoung and Yeri’s sides, opting to go out with them rather than being left alone in the dorm with Seungwan and Irene doing god knows what behind the closed doors of Irene’s bedroom.

        “Going anywhere today?” Irene asks, her voice stiff with an awkwardness reminiscent to the first time they’d met, back when they were both tired trainees dancing their youth away. Her mouthwatering figure is on display, leaning a hip against the kitchen counter in her half unbuttoned white dress shirt and black pajama shorts.

        If they were still together, Seulgi probably would have been undressing Irene right about now and pressing a kiss to her throat. It’s a thought, but Seulgi keeps it that way. She doesn’t let her hands reach towards the older woman when she puts away the gallon of milk in the fridge. She doesn’t let her eyes rake over the exposed skin.

        They’d had their fair share of quickies whenever the dorm was clear and they had double checked no one would interrupt them, but now it was different. Now Irene didn’t love her, so Seulgi keeps her gaze disinterested and takes a sip from the cooling liquid to soothe her burning throat.

        Seulgi finds it oddly funny, how much they’ve changed in such little time, how quickly they’ve dissipated into nothing by strangers living within the same four walls. It truly is as if they were trainees again, except this time they used to know each other and love each other and share their hopes and dreams together.

        “No.” It’s a lie and they both know it. Seulgi is a lot of things, but she’s never been a good liar. Truthfully, she’s set to meet Moonbyul at the woman’s apartment in an hour or so. She’d been desperate for alone time from all things Red Velvet, for a change of pace that didn’t include tip-toeing around Irene and Seungwan or stumbling into a half dressed Irene in the kitchen.

        Seulgi sets down the empty glass in the stainless steel sink, then turns to leave, already feeling more than drained from the short interaction with the older woman. “Seulgi-ah?” Irene’s velvety voice roots Seulgi to the very spot she’s standing in, but she doesn’t turn. She hates how the older woman still has an effect on her enough for her to still listen.

        The sound of her own name echoes inside of her chest, ricocheting off her ribs and piercing at her heart. How could someone sound so gentle and loving, then turn around and do something like this? It didn’t make sense. In fact, _none_ of this made sense, and she was getting tired of trying to rationalize everything.

        Seulgi gritted her teeth, screwing her eyes shut tightly. “What is it?” Seulgi sighed. “Can you look at me, please?” Seulgi’s nostrils are flaring as she does as Irene asked, finally feeling anger streaming through her when she found herself eye to eye with the older woman.

        “I have to get ready, unnie,” she says flatly, eyes dead as they study Irene. The older woman flinches at the title and frowns. They both know she preferred ‘Irene’ or Joohyun’ over anything else from her. “A-are we going to talk?”

        Seulgi isn’t even sure this is the same Irene who’d broken up with her in the first place, and it has her stumped. Why was the older woman acting so timidly, so unsure of herself? Wasn’t that Seulgi’s job? At any rate, Seulgi managed to crack a smirk at the woman who had held her heart in her hands and had squashed it to smithereens. “Talk about _what_ , unnie?”

        Irene was giving her free reign over opening up the topic both of them had been dancing around, yet Seulgi couldn’t talk about it. She wasn’t ready for that conversation just quite yet. She wouldn’t even know what to say or where to begin. Irene gives her a chastising look, crossing her arms over her chest to appear more intimidating than she really was, “You know what I mean.”

        Seulgi truthfully has an entire _list_ of things she wants to ask Irene memorized, but she knows if she asks them now, all of Irene’s answers will only cause her to break down.

        She had been good so far, keeping her crying to herself in the confines of her bedroom, shedding a few tears here and there when no one was looking during their schedules. Seulgi wanted to keep it that way, even for just a few days longer.

        Sooyoung had caught her twice subtly flicking tears away at her waterlogged eyelashes, but other than that, no one knew how distressed Seulgi really was. The younger woman knew for certain she wasn’t ready to allow herself to let Irene see her shatter.

        “Seulgi-ah…,” Irene sighs. The way she had said it made Seulgi’s name sound more like a solemn goodbye, an ending of sorts, rather than a plea. “ _Seulgi_ ,” the younger woman replies, stripping Irene of the right. Her teeth grit and grind with the jut of her jaw, “It’s just _Seulgi_ now.”

        A million things are racing through her mind, going through what she would say next, but the two of them freeze the instant the front door swings open.

        “Honey! Are you home?” Seungwan’s shout echoes through the dorm, and Seulgi feels her heart stopping for the millionth time. _Honey._ She searches Irene’s face for any change in expression, but she couldn’t find a single thing out of place with the woman before her.

        It was almost as if Irene hadn’t heard the pet name at all. As long as Seulgi could remember, Irene never liked the idea of having a pet name, and she quizzically studied the woman. Irene had never let Seulgi call her anything but her name, her _real_ name at that.

        A few soft footfalls on plush carpet and a strangled gasp a minute later announce the Canadian’s arrival into the kitchen where she and Irene were having their stare-off.

        “Oh, Seulgi-ah,” the vocalist smiles awkwardly as she comes to stand next to Irene. She’s dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a causal hoodie, arms laden with groceries. Silently, Seulgi observes how...odd it looks to see the two of them together, with Seungwan leaning into Irene’s shoulder for support.

        The Canadian’s fidgeting with the cuff of her shirt sleeve and eyeing the pair suspiciously, most likely wondering what they had been talking about. “I didn’t realize you were home still,” Seungwan said in a soft, apologetic voice, folding her arms behind her back.

        “ _Seulgi_ ,” the taller woman repeats underneath her breath, brushing by the couple to walk towards her bedroom. “I’m not your Seulgi-ah anymore.”

 

**

 

        Half an hour later, Seulgi was sneaking out the front door. She was dressed and ready to bolt to Moonbyul’s car. But then a slender hand pushes the door shut when Seulgi grips the doorknob, stopping her cold in her tracks.

        The scent of Irene’s shampoo washes over Seulgi’s senses, and the younger woman feels the tension in her shoulders heighten even further. Irene wouldn’t leave her alone. She haunted Seulgi’s dreams, romped through her memory like a careless child, and now she wouldn’t even let her leave the dorm.

        “Unnie,” Seulgi says, “Let go.” Disregarding her plea, Irene leans in until they’re mere inches apart, until she can feel Irene’s front brushing against her back. “How come we don’t talk anymore?” The older woman whispers. It as though she’s challenging Seulgi to lean in and close the distance between them, and Seulgi finds herself scoffing in disgust, though she can’t deny the fact that she wanted to do so.

        “You don’t have the right to ask me that,” Seulgi bites back, turning around to face Irene, barely containing the flood of emotions rushing through her. The older woman backs off slightly in surprise, giving Seulgi some much needed space. “Not now. Not after you’ve ruined us,” Seulgi hisses.

        It’s all coming undone now, it seemed like she had finally found her flame. No one could douse her rage now. It came up, bubbling from the depths of her soul, and wouldn’t stop overflowing until she had gotten it all out. “Don’t say that,” Irene murmured weakly, crossing her arms in defiance, keeping her distance.

        Seulgi bites her lip. “You really want to talk?” After a moment of held breath, Irene finally nods once in affirmation. The action causes Seulgi throws her head back with a frenzy of laughter, and she knew it was now or never. “Tell me then…when did you fuck her for the first time, unnie?” Irene’s mouth drops open at the vulgar statement, but Seulgi was nowhere near finished.

        She didn’t give a single damn in the world if any of the other members were hanging around the living room beside them. She didn’t care if they were five feet away in the kitchen fixing themselves something to eat. It didn’t matter if any of them overheard her and Irene arguing.

        Everyone knew what was going on, after all. They’d all just been avoiding the topic, the conversation ever since it had happened. That’s the thing about constantly walking on thin ice: you fall through eventually.

        “When did you stop loving me, then? Last year or two months ago?” There’s tears sparkling in the corners of Irene’s eyes, but that doesn’t stop Seulgi from continuing her onslaught. She had to get even, had to feel a tiny bit better, had to finally lash out.

        If she didn’t, she felt as though she’d never get the chance to pluck up the courage again. “I want to know what was going through your mind when you cheated on me for the first time.”

        Another horrified gasp comes out of Irene’s mouth, yet Seulgi had more. “I guess I wasn’t enough for you…was I?” Seulgi laughed, and when she leaned against the door and wondered if Irene had felt even a fraction of remorse.

        “I don’t think that you understand how whatever _thing_ we are now works,” Seulgi laughs, “but you can’t just walk up to me as if we’re buddies again and tell me how much you miss me, how much you miss talking to me. Not after what you’ve done. We aren’t friends, we aren’t _lovers_ , we aren’t anything.”

        Silence emitted from the older woman who stood before her. Irene merely stared at her in shock, as if she had lost the ability to speak. If anything, her reaction only fueled Seulgi’s rage even further. “Go ahead,” Seulgi jested, yearning to hear Irene’s side of the story, wishing that the older woman would say something - _anything_.

        “Tell me you’ve never loved me,” Seulgi cried out, “Tell me I wasn’t your first. Tell me you didn’t mean it when you said you wanted to get married when we went to Shanghai for vacation before we debuted in Red Velvet, unnie.” She’s met with the downcast stare of the older woman, hanging her head in shame.

        “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Seulgi murmured softly, “You can’t, can you? Because we’d both know you’d be lying if you said that.” Irene perked up at the taunt, standing ramrod straight in front of the door, her arms dangling, motionless by her side.

        It didn’t seem like the older woman would ever give her an answer, so she continued on, spilling her thoughts shamelessly. “I trusted you,” Seulgi cried out, ignoring the tears blurring her vision, “And you still betrayed me.”

        Irene takes a step closer, reaching a hand out as if to brush away the tears streaking down Seulgi’s face, but Seulgi shies away as if the older woman had held out a red hot iron. The last thing she needed was Irene’s touch.

        “I knew you and Seungwan were hanging out more and more frequently in between our schedules,” Seulgi confessed as she ran the back of her hand over her face. Her voice was surprisingly even, steady even when she felt her world was crashing down on top of her.

        “I _knew_ you were sneaking out of our bed every once in a while…but I _trusted_ you, Irene.” Seulgi’s entire body aches like she’s been punched in the gut, wiping at the corners of her eyes. “I _loved_ you, do you hear me? Jesus, I _still_ fucking love you, after all you’ve done to me…to us.” She’s surprised when she finally notices she’s not the only one crying.

        Irene’s shoulders have begun to shake with silent sobs, and as much as Seulgi fights with herself to walk out the door, she stays. She’s still in love with the older woman, despite how much hell she’s endured since their break up.

        But she knows, deep down she knows, that this isn’t right for her anymore. Irene isn’t the person she thought she was and now she can’t ever see the older woman in the same light. Neither can she look at Seungwan without feeling sick to her stomach. She still has to try.

        Gently, Seulgi reaches out and cups the side of Irene’s face and tilts the older woman’s head up until they’re eye to eye. Out of habit, her thumb begins tenderly stroking the soft skin of Irene’s cheek. She was too weak to fight the urge to touch Irene again, and in all honestly, the younger woman could never resist her for long.

        Her heartstrings were thrumming within her chest as she rediscovered just how silky Irene was to the touch, drying away her tears. For a moment, her anger was repressed. Seulgi’s gaze softened the longer she stared into the older woman’s dark pupils, and she felt the familiar haze of tears forming in the corners of her vision once more.

        She felt her heart skip a beat when Irene leaned against her touch as if they were still lovers, her long eyelashes fluttering beneath the contact. Longing and desire coursed through the young idol’s veins, and she breathed out a soft sigh.

        Seulgi wished Irene hadn’t been blessed with such beauty, with her effortless grace and ethereal qualities. Maybe then it wouldn’t be so hard to fill the void she’d created in Seulgi’s heart, to find someone who was even a fraction as alluring as Irene was.

        They stayed like that for quite some time, leaning against the front door to their dorm, both of their heads pressed against the wood, watching each other. Together, it nearly felt right between the two of them. It was almost as if they were suspended in time, in a moment where they hadn’t broken up and Irene hadn’t cheated on her and one of Seulgi’s closest friends hadn’t betrayed her.

        If Seulgi were to only close her eyes and relish in the older woman’s presence, in the intoxicating aroma that was just _Irene_ , she could almost believe nothing had ever happened.  

        But then she remembered Moonbuyl, waiting patiently in her sleek sedan by the curb, and knew she needed to go, had to put this to an end. That it had already been over long ago.

        “I don’t know if I’ll stay with Red Velvet,” Seulgi confessed suddenly. Her thumb slows its movement across pale, smooth skin as she searches Irene’s eyes for something, anything that would indicate the older woman still loved her.

        All she could see in the shimmering black of the older woman’s pupils was her own reflection, and she let her hand drop to her side. “What do you mean?” Irene’s eyebrows furrowed together, and her plush lips turned down into a frown.

        “I was talking with our manager about pursuing a solo career last week,” Seulgi confesses, reaching for the doorknob again, readying herself to spill out the front door into sunlit freedom.

        “Wait a second, this was our _dream_ ,” Irene stammered, stumbling over her words. She was shocked, visibly shaken, even, at Seulgi’s surprise announcement, which came as somewhat of a surprise to Seulgi. Had the older woman expected her to stay, after all she and Seungwan had done?

        Was she supposed to have just sat there and accepted everything the way that it was now, with her life in shambles? “We’ve always wanted to form a subunit together, though,” the older woman said, her tone quick and desperate, as if Irene were trying to cling onto her.

        “We were supposed to have a meeting about it in a couple weeks!” Seulgi shrugged, knowing fully well that her next few words would sting the older woman. Her hand tightened on the door knob, then twisted. “My dream’s always been to become a singer, _unnie_. What’s a subunit when you could be a soloist?”

        Taking advantage of the older woman’s disorientated state, Seulgi decides to give her one last confession. She takes a deep breath, and then releases it. She knew she would have to get it out, even if she regretted saying it. “You know...I still have the ring I wanted to give you,” Seulgi says, her voice barely above a whisper.

        The weight of the truth causes her to inhale sharply after the fact, pausing to catch the glimmer of freshly forme tears in Irene’s eyes. With the final blow having been delivered, Seulgi finally ducked through the door and didn’t look back, not even when she heard the door reopening and her name being called out.

        Her step seemed lighter somehow, free of the baggage she’d been holding for so long. As Moonbyul’s car peeled away from the curb, Seulgi felt a tiny bit better than she had before she’d left. It was as if she were headed towards the future, somewhere else, somewhere where nothing hurt anymore, but she wasn’t quite there yet.

        Regardless, it felt like she’d taken a step in the right direction - in getting over Irene. She broke out into an infectious smile even though there were tears slipping down her red cheeks. It was a process, a slow one at that, but finally she felt she was getting somewhere.

 

 


	3. What We've Been

 

 

        The red velvet ring box fit snugly in the palm of Seulgi’s hand.

        The fabric had a rich, dark texture and was about as light as a feather. Seulgi had picked the ring out two years ago during one of their rare breaks. She’d been waiting for the perfect moment to whip it out and surprise Irene.

        But with the relentless onslaught of their frequent comebacks ever since then, the timing never seemed quite right. Back when they were together, learning new choreography, recording new songs, working around both her and Irene’s increasingly busy schedules proved too much work for Seulgi to plan a proper proposal out.

        Eventually, the ring box was pushed one of the far corners of her mind and had remained there until just a few months before she and Irene had broken up. Now, the timing would _never_ be right for either of them. Seulgi snickered bitterly to herself as she turned it over in her hands over and over again. Suddenly, the box began to sear at her skin.

        Seulgi only had an hour and a half left before the moving vans showed up outside of Red Velvet’s dorm. When it did, she would help the workers pack away the boxes filled with all of her possessions into the back of their vehicle. Then she’d speed off to where her new apartment complex was, waiting for everything to arrive.

Seulgi was really doing it - moving towards a future without having to live with the memory of her and Irene around every corner.

        In spite of how happy she was to be moving out, she knew she’d miss the two younger girls in the group. She made a mental note to make sure and hug Yeri and Sooyoung goodbye before she clambered into her own car and made her way to her new home. Living by herself had been one of the things Seulgi had fought tooth and nail for when she had negotiated the terms of her soloist career with the higher ups of the company.

        Though her manager told her not to expect much of a choice in the matter, her hard work had paid off - she was granted her own flat. She stared at the rows of boxes lined up against the far bedroom wall, waiting to be picked up. And now, this was it. The time had finally come. Seulgi was leaving, moving on with her life, and though there was the telltale twinge of bitter sweetness on her tongue, ultimately Seulgi knew that Sooyoung and Yeri supported her decision to leave Red Velvet.

        A month or so ago, Seulgi took the two out for dinner so the three of them could discuss her leaving without Seungwan or Irene present. She hadn’t thought to ask Seungwan or Irene what they’d thought on the matter. In fact, Seulgi isn’t particularly think they had a say in her life after what went down between them.

Besides that, rumors began starting up about her departure from Red Velvet just after everything had been finalized between her and the company.

        Seulgi guesses that one particularly bright fan must’ve realized why Seulgi was frequently visiting SM’s Headquarters with her manager by her side and spread the news. The press had been in a frenzy the past couple weeks trying to get the latest scoop, surrounding her car any time she went out. _Everyone_ seemed knew about her departure from Red Velvet. SM released an official statement a day or two after word got out in order to clarify everything to the public. After that, Seulgi was free of the pain of Red Velvet.

        Neither Seungwan or Irene gave any sign of knowing she was leaving. They didn’t particularly talk anymore, or see each other in the dorm for that matter. Seulgi made sure to avoid them at all costs, taking precautions through studying their schedules for any conflicting times. Luckily, the five of them were all doing individual promotions since they’d wrapped up their last comeback.

         Once the announcement was all said and done, it left Seulgi feeling more than ready to move out and begin preparing for her solo career. The majority of the articles she glanced at garnered positive comments from fans, an indication that her new career path would be successful and welcomed by the public.

        There were some fans who were a little devastated at the idea of her leaving Red Velvet altogether. They asked why Seulgi had to leave the group to go solo, what would happen to Red Velvet’s friendships, questioned the success of the girl group in the future without Seulgi. Seulgi figured it would take time for everyone to settle down from the news, and so she didn’t pay too much attention to those comments.

        She’d already decided to make a point of visiting and meeting with Sooyoung and Yeri as frequently as she could after leaving. After over four years of being together, she could never abandon the two younger women completely. Her new manager had already texted both Yeri and Sooyoung’s itineraries off for the next month to her, filled with Sooyoung’s latest K-Drama and Yeri’s filming dates for her reality show.

        Seulgi tossed the ring box onto her bed, its deep, rich color striking against the bare bones of the sheetless mattress, then turned around and stretched her arms out. The young idol took one last, long look around what used to be her bedroom - four walls the shade of pale sunshine pockmarked from the photos and posters she’d hung up and taken down, the queen-sized mattress, the lush white carpeting, the empty closet.

        The other girls would no doubt repurpose her room into a spare bedroom, a place where a guest would sleep. It wasn’t hers anymore. How hollow of a feeling it was to know this, yet at the same time Seulgi felt so free. She snatches the ringbox back up and ambled her way throughout the rest of the dorm, stopping in front of Irene’s bedroom door.

        The older woman went out with Seungwan earlier that morning on some sort of secret date, and Seulgi knew the moving trucks would be long gone by the time the pair got back to the dorm. Perfect timing. Seulgi pressed a gentle hand to the door, then stepped inside of the leader’s bedroom.

        Immaculately kept, Irene’s room put everyone else’s to shame within the dorm. As the oldest, Irene typically liked to lead by example. She did this by keeping her carpets freshly vacuumed, her closet tidied up, her bed crisply made, and her display of photographs and plushies well organized.

        It had been a while since Seulgi dared step foot within the leader’s domain, it almost felt as though she were trespassing somehow. Hastily, the soon-to-be soloist made her way to Irene’s bed. Lifting one of the lavender pillows decorating the soft mattress, Seulgi carefully stowed the velvet ring box beneath it began arranging it back in place.

        “Unnie?” Yeri’s voice rang out, accompanied by the soft of shuffling house slippers. The maknae poked her head through the crack of Irene’s door. She took in the sight of Seulgi, frozen by Irene’s bed with one hand still hovering over the ring box.

        Yeri’s facial features softened. Her eyes flicked back and forth between Seulgi and the ring box. “The moving van is outside,” Yeri’s voice wavered.

 

        **

 

        “You didn’t even tell Seungwan or I you were moving out, Seul! We were wondering where you’d gone when Sooyoung came up and told us you’d left around eleven this morning. We brought you a slice of cake from that bakery you like so much!”

        Seulgi sinks into her new leather couch, thinking to herself that Irene’s voice sounds weird over the phone, like the receiver of her cell couldn’t quite catch the older woman’s soft, mellow tone the same way it sounded in person. This is the first time in a long time Irene actually sounds angry, upset that Seulgi hadn’t notified her and Seungwan of her plans.

        “Well, you seemed a little preoccupied,” Seulgi replied carefully, glancing at the large analog clock hanging on her living room wall. It was nearly one in the morning, and Seulgi was exhausted from spending the rest of the day renovating her new living space. She didn’t even know why Irene was calling her, or why she’d picked up for that matter.

        The moving company assisted with most of the heavy lifting, but that hadn’t spared her from the hard labor of decorating and setting up her new home. She had spent hours filling the empty living space with hints of her own personal style. She added touches of color to each room, stacks of books in her bedroom, a fern plant on the coffee table, the list went on and on.

        Already, she had unboxed most of everything she had brought along with her, and had already made a list of what to purchase the next day to complete her furnishings. She’d surpassed her goal of getting half unpacked by the day’s end. She still had to make her bed, fresh with brand new sheets and covers that were currently on their last cycle in the dryer.

        “What’s that supposed to mean?” Irene asked, her voice laced with sharp annoyance. “Just because Seungwan and I were out of the dorm didn’t mean that I-I mean _we_ didn’t want to say goodbye.” Seulgi found herself sighing quietly to herself, rubbing at her temple. Even the meager task of holding her cellphone to her cheek felt draining.

“Life’s just full of surprises, isn’t it?” Seulgi retorted, staring up at the tall, high ceiling. She stretched her sore limbs out across the black leather of the sofa, and yawned into the receiver. Silence buzzed through the speaker of her phone, and for a moment, Seulgi almost believed Irene had hung up on her.

        Only the sound of the older woman’s sighing let her know Irene was still on the line. “Speaking of surprises…,” Irene murmured, and Seulgi found herself closing her eyes, almost imagining the older woman was there, mumbling into her ear. “I found something rather interesting underneath my pillow just a few minutes ago.”

Seulgi bit the inside of her cheek, trying to gauge the older woman’s feelings. “It’s yours to keep,” she replied, her voice hollowed from the inside out. “I had always meant it for you, anyway. No sense in keeping something that would only remind me of you, right?” Her eyes widen at the sound of faint sniffling from the other end of the line.

        “Seulgi-ah,” Irene whimpered, causing the younger woman’s chest to tighten. It sounded like Irene was crying.

        “How long?”

        “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, _unnie_.”

        “How _long,_ Seul.”

        The older woman’s voice had turned hard, persistent, each syllable filled to the brim with stubbornness. The soloist knew that Irene would get the answer out of her one way or another. And so, just like how she always did when it came to her, Seulgi caved in.

        The soloist took a deep breath, then released it shakily. Tears were brimming in the corners of her eyes, and her throat felt as though it were stopped up. “Two years...over two years, I guess. Same difference.” Seulgi closed her eyes, fighting back the urge to hang up and sob into her new throw pillows. She pinched at the bridge of her nose.

        “After you talked about wanting to get married...when we were in Shanghai after seeing all of those wedding photoshoots while we walked around, that got me thinking. I knew at some point, I wanted to marry you,” Seulgi confessed.

        “I thought, you know, maybe when things with Red Velvet calmed down a little bit...I’d break it out and ask, but things never slowed down enough. And now…,” Using the back of her shirt sleeve, Seulgi quickly dries her face from the overflow of tear drops dripping down her cheekbones.

        “You know...if you had never…if you and Seungwan hadn’t...,” Seulgi choked out, the tears rolling hot and fast down her trembling cheeks. It was hard to get the words out. It was still too fresh for her to admit that Irene had willingly and openly cheated on her with Seungwan.

        “I know,” Irene breathed out, sniffling. The sound of rustling came over the receiver, and Seulgi covers her mouth with her fist to hide the sound of her agony. She wondered why Irene had even bothered to call. “I know, please don’t say it, Seul...I _know_.”

        When the teary-eyed duo hung up twenty minutes later, both of them knew Irene would have said yes had Seulgi had the chance to ask and had Irene not cheated. Seulgi considered blocking the older girl’s phone number, but before she could make up her mind, she passed out on the couch. Her phone slipped face down onto the floor.

 

**

 

        She and Irene coincidentally choose the same day to visit Sooyoung on the set of _The Great Seducer,_ weeks after Seulgi moved out of Red Velvet’s dorm.

        Adding onto the odd coincidences, their vans parked right next to each other _and_ they pulled up at the same exact time. The moment Seulgi stepped out of the car, and onto the pavement, she realized her mistake. Of course the universe would pit her and Irene together again.

        “Funny seeing you here,” Irene tried to joke, tugging nervously on the strap of her Hazzy’s handbag as they walked up towards the set together. Their managers followed them from behind, just out of earshot, as the two former bandmates faced the blinding flashes of the press.

        Both of them looked tired. BB cream can only work so many miracles before it bleeds away. Despite Seulgi having left Red Velvet, she knew the girls still had a grueling schedule to work through. It made her feel a little bit guilty, putting more weight on each of their shoulders.

        But then she remembered the way Seungwan and Irene stood, breathless in rapture outside after their first win for _Bad Boy_ , and relented. Leaving, no matter what time she decided to go, would have been difficult. Besides, the managers were already planning another comeback for them after Sooyoung’s drama wrapped up.

        Soon Red Velvet would be back in the swing of things, no doubt the company wanted to assure the public that the girl group was as strong as ever. Seulgi tried to pretend as if she hadn’t seen the glittering of _her_ ring on Irene’s ring finger - a perfect fit, and smiled halfheartedly at the older woman. Briefly, she wondered if Irene knew what she was doing, allowing the paparazzi to see her out and about with an engagement band adorning her ring finger.

        Her eyes lingered on the glittering band, shimmering with a row of fine diamonds, gleaming in the sunlight. She wondered what Seungwan had thought about it. In fact, had Irene even told the Canadian about the ring, yet? Yeri knew, by accident, but did any of the other members know? “Let’s just try and keep this civil, unnie.”

The smile she flashed at the older woman didn’t reach her eyes.

        It was all an act for the fansites and the paparazzi to show that everything was still fine between her and Red Velvet, despite her breaking off from the group. Being an idol meant being well-versed in the practices of manners, and Seulgi’s were damn well near perfect.

        Together, the ex-lovers and ex-bandmates watched from the sidelines of the set as Sooyoung and Dohwan readied themselves for another scene. One of the staff members passed them Styrofoam cups of steaming coffee, and Irene eagerly takes a sip from the bitter, black liquid.

        Seulgi’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise, “You’ve always hated coffee, unnie.” She watches with interest as Irene smacks her lips at the taste, breathing out a sigh of contentment. For a brief moment, she allows herself to indulge in the sight of the older woman.

        It had been a while, after all, since they’d seen each other. Irene looked the same, albeit the hollows underneath her eyes. Her skin was still smooth and unblemished, creamy beneath the cloud covered sky. Her jawline was a softened, sloped curve, begging to be brushed against.

        “People can change, Seul.”

         _Yeah, right._

        Seulgi turns away, choosing to refocus her attention back on Sooyoung rather than the woman beside her. Irene was still as tempting as ever, and if she wanted to prove that she was really over Irene, she couldn’t afford to be distracted.

        The director had signaled that the cameras were rolling, and Sooyoung and Dohwan slipped easily into their acting roles. Seulgi felt her heart fill with pride at the sight of the young actress. She hadn’t missed a single episode of Sooyoung’s new drama, and felt proud at the sight of her former bandmate’s improvement in acting.

        “Cut! Good work. Let’s take a fifteen minute break, everyone!” The director called, gesturing for the two young actors to return to the makeshift tents the staff had set up for cover from the cold. Seulgi and Irene followed the trail of staff members making their way towards the structures, and found themselves huddling around one of the many portable heaters set up within it.

        Both of the idols stretched out their frigid fingers, hovering over the artificial warmth provided by the devices. Seulgi did her best not to stare at the ring, but found herself glancing at the accessory whenever she was sure Irene wasn’t looking.

        “Is that Seulgi-unnie and Irene-unnie I see?” A gentle voice piped up, causing the pair to turn around. Sooyoung was beaming at them both, arms outstretched as she walked towards them, silently asking for a hug. Oddly enough, Irene lingered by the heater for a moment longer, watching as Seulgi embraced the younger woman wholeheartedly before taking her turn.

        Taking each of her unnie’s hands, Sooyoung led them back towards the row of heaters and shivered. Despite the thick, padded overcoat the younger woman had on, it was obvious Sooyoung felt absolutely chilled to the bone. Noticing this, Irene dug around her purse and produced a handful of hand warmers.

        “I’ll go see if anyone has any more, Sooyoung-ah,” she said, her melodious voice swirling around Seulgi’s head as she passed the packets over. Turning on her heel, Irene made her way towards the staff members gathered around the other end of the makeshift tents, talking amongst themselves quietly.

        Seulgi watched her go, an empty look shimmering within her eyes. Sooyoung sighed, noticing the solemn mood that had settled over the two of them. “She hasn’t taken it off since you left,” Sooyoung leaned over and whispered into Seulgi’s ear, studying the stiffness that settled over the older woman’s shoulders.

        “She cheated on me, Sooyoung-ah,” the soloist replied in what she hoped was an even, level tone. She did her best to keep her head held high and maintain eye contact as she gazed into the taller woman’s eyes. One of the few things Seulgi had left after Irene had taken everything from her was her pride, and there was no way in hell the soloist would let that slip away.

        Out of the corner of her eyes, she watched as Irene came to a halt in front of the cluster of workers, dipping her head slightly at them in greeting. The same courteous, seemingly angelic woman had doubled crossed her, had thrown away everything they had built up for the past nine years in a split second decision. “I don’t think I can trust her again after what she did to me.”

        “I’m not saying you should trust her again, unnie,” Sooyoung replies, shaking her head. She rubs the stack of hot packs against the palms of her hands in a slow, circular motion. “What I _am_ saying is that no one exactly knows how to feel now that Irene’s wearing her ex’s engagement ring and is refusing to take it off, even for _performances_.”

        For the first time, Seulgi wondered if leaving the ring box for Irene to find had been a mistake. The soloist found herself sighing, her breath weaving out before her in tendrils of gray. “I don’t know how to feel about it either, but I know I’m not falling for whatever she’s pulling,” she finally murmured, checking over her shoulder to see if the woman in question was returning.

        “She and Seungwan are fighting,” Sooyoung said matter-of-factly. That didn’t surprise Seulgi in the slightest. She knew she’d have her own reservations if Irene had suddenly taken a liking to a gift from an ex-lover, but she had no idea what it’d be like for Seungwan to see Joohyun wearing Seulgi’s _engagement ring._

         “They haven’t been the same since you left. In fact, nothing’s been quite the same, if I’m being honest,” Sooyoung shrugged sheepishly. At the younger woman’s confession, Seulgi felt her heart sink within her chest. She drew Sooyoung towards her and enveloped her in a warm embrace.

        “I’m still here for you, Sooyoung-ah. I’ll always be here for you, remember that. You can come over and visit me at my new place, and I’ll do my best to surprise you at your schedules. I’m still the same old Kang Seulgi,” the soloist mumbled into the taller woman’s ear. “I’m still a member of Red Velvet at heart, nothing can stop that from being true.”

        They part slowly, and Sooyoung flashes a small, knowing smile at her. “But you aren’t ever coming back to the dorms, are you?” Seulgi shook her head, left to right. Her lips were set in a straight line, emphasizing her seriousness on the matter. She wouldn’t step foot there unless if it were a dire emergency. “And we won’t ever share the spotlight on the same stage again, will we?”

        Tears were beginning to sparkling near the corners of Sooyoung’s wide eyes, and Seulgi found her strong facade crumbling at the sight. If anything, she had expected Yeri to be the first to cave in under the pressure of her absence, not Sooyoung.

        Gently, Seulgi ran a hand up and down Sooyoung’s back, “We might be able to. I could become an MC in the future if I asked.” This time, Sooyoung shook her head, disappointment and sorrow etched into her usually upbeat features. “No...you know what I mean, unnie.”

        Sooyoung rolled her teary eyes, attempting to be exasperated at Seulgi’s cluelessness. Truthfully, it made the actress sound even more torn than beforehand. “Our dreams, the ones we spent so long chasing after...I’ve always imagined singing and dancing with _you_ , Yeri-ah, Seungwan-unnie, and Irene-unnie. Together. The _five_ of us.”

        Seulgi felt helpless in that moment. She had known that leaving Red Velvet wouldn’t be as easy as it sounded. But she hadn’t expected it to hurt as much as it did. It was a bittersweet sensation, a mixture of love and hate. The soloist knew she was reaching the cusp of a new chapter of her life, one that would be new and excitingly foreign to her.

        But she also understood she was leaving a lot behind. Her second family, for starters. She had forfeited the close relationships she had formed with Yeri and Sooyoung, but she had done so for the sake of her own happiness. Had Seulgi stayed, she would’ve been more miserable than she’d ever felt in her life. But this fact didn’t stop her from feeling guilty.

        All she could do to discreetly comfort the younger woman was hug her, tell her everything would be alright, that nothing could shake their bond. “It’ll get easier in time,” Seulgi cooed, smoothing down the flyaways from Sooyoung’s freshly cut locks, “But for now, rest assured I’m still your Seulgi-unnie and you’re still my little Sooyoung-ah.”

        Sooyoung opened her mouth to say more, but was interrupted by Irene walking towards them with an armload of hot packs. With a triumphant grin, the twenty-eight year old presented her bounty to the both of them. “Here you go, Sooyoung-ah!” Noticing the pair’s serious expressions, Irene’s smile drooped at the corners. “Is everything alright?”

        Seulgi shrugged her shoulders. She was growing better at acting as though Irene didn’t have any kind of effect on her. “Depends on your definition of ‘alright’, I suppose,” she said, flashing a look at Sooyoung just before the director ended the break.

 

 

 


	4. Can't Recreate

 

 

        First days pass, then a month. The ebb and flow of time itself appears to speed up after Seulgi’s schedule picks back up again. She’d trained for seven years to become a member of Red Velvet, yet there was another round of training sessions for her to attend in order to hone her skills as a solo idol. Go figure.

        It became harder to see Sooyoung and Yeri throughout the entire process. There were days when Seulgi realized what it truly meant to be alone. For instance, when Seulgi would attempt to think of lyrics to use on her upcoming album, Seungwan wasn’t there for her to ask what the English translation of a word meant.

        When Seulgi was cooking her own meals in the enormous kitchen, Sooyoung wasn’t there to steal scraps of her food off her plate and tease her for how inedible everything looked. When Seulgi attempted to play video games to take her mind off of the stress of work, Yeri wasn’t there as Player Two.

        For a moment, becoming a solo artist made Seulgi feel as if she were almost in exile. Being alone wasn’t exactly new to her, but for a good number of years, Seulgi had grown accustomed to having someone to lean on for support. Red Velvet had provided her with opportunities to gain some of the most vibrant friendships she’s ever had.

        Yet despite the warmth her apartment managed to exude, the walls were still empty of anyone besides herself. It helped that Taeyeon came around to visit her sometimes. Though Seulgi wasn’t as close to the older woman as Yeri was, the two hit it off quite nicely after one day the renowned singer showed up at Seulgi’s doorstep with Ginger in tow.

        She definitely could use the more experienced woman’s help on developing the tone of her album. The leader of Girl’s Generation was someone Seulgi had looked up to ever since she realized her dreams of becoming a singer. Needless to say, she was absolutely overjoyed when she received positive feedback on the work she’d completed so far. She held Taeyeon’s word with the utmost respect, eager to please the older woman.

To Seulgi’s growing delight, she quickly gained more visitors within the same week.

        Yoona came the day after Taeyeon with Seohyun in tow, then Moonbyul, then Jisoo, and so on and so forth. Seulgi quickly learned to keep her apartment in ship-shape in order to not embarrass herself in front of any unexpected company, and always had enough ingredients in her fridge to sate the hunger of five people.

        Around one and a half months had gone by since Seulgi began her soloist training when Yeri invited herself over for an impromptu sleepover. “I want to see how much progress you’ve made,” is what the younger woman had claimed over the phone. “You know how I’ve always been interested in writing my own music, unnie. Now’s my chance to get to see this in action! Besides, I miss you.”

        How could Seulgi say no? Yeri arrived on Seulgi’s front doorstep with an armload of blankets and a large duffel bag slung over her shoulder approximately ten minutes later. When the soloist opened the door, she was met with Yeri’s trademark cheeky grin, and instantly broke out into her own smile. “I see you’ve come prepared,” is all Seulgi said before stepping aside to let Yeri inside.

        They’re silent after dinner, a meal they both prepared together as they giggled and fought the urge to start a food fight in Seulgi’s kitchen. Together, they cuddled on Seulgi’s couch underneath the mountain of fuzzy blankets Yeri brought with her as Seulgi played a couple demos for her album for her off of her phone.

The scent of Irene’s favorite laundry detergent overpowers Seulgi’s senses, fused with the soft fibers of the fabric covering them. If Seulgi closed her eyes for the briefest of moments, she could envision herself wrapped up in Irene’s bed sheets again, as if she’d never left Red Velvet in the first place.

        Forcing her heavy thoughts away, Seulgi turned her head to study the younger woman beside her. Yeri furrows her brows, listening attentively to the early recordings of Seulgi’s album. Nervously, Seulgi looks on, waiting for the younger woman’s reaction. Regardless of how many assurances the soloist had received on the demos, Seulgi still felt the familiar sensation of doubt swirling inside her stomach.

        This was the first time anyone from Red Velvet would be listening to her own work, and that added to the tremors Seulgi was feeling in her hands. There was a pause, then Yeri shook her earbuds off. For a moment, neither of them spoke, suspended by the sound of Yeri dropping Seulgi’s phone onto her lap. The younger woman looked somewhat dazed, adding onto Seulgi’s doubts about the album.

        “Well?” Seulgi asked, tone hopeful yet twinged with a tiny amount of fear. She had held her breath nearly the entire time, her chest felt constricted as she watched Yeri go through each song. She looked over Yeri’s blank expression with great anticipation, trying to decipher any hidden emotion from her poker face. “What did you think about it, Yeri-ah? Up to your expectations?”

        Seulgi’s features contorted into a frown when she noticed a lone tear streaking down Yeri’s cheek. “ _Saudade_ …,” Yeri mumbled, fiddling with her phone. “What does it mean?” Gingerly, Seulgi reached out her thumb and swiped the tear away. Yeri looked at her with her wide eyes, waiting for an answer. “Apparently, it’s supposed to convey the sensation you get whenever you feel nostalgic or sad,” Seulgi sighed.

        She ponders for a moment, “I thought it was a good way to describe the way I’ve been feeling lately, and how the song kind of sounds, what the album’s all about, that kind of thing.” Surprisingly, Seulgi finds herself rambling on even further. “It’s just a placeholder for the album name, but I might keep it for this individual song at least.”

        Yeri gazes at her. “I know who it’s about.”

        Another pause. Seulgi feels her breath catching in her lungs, almost refusing to let her inhale and exhale.

        “I didn’t say her name,” Seulgi replies, struggling to maintain her indifference to the allusion of Irene. “You didn’t have to,” Yeri retorts. “The mention of a wedding gave it away.”

        Seulgi cleared her throat. Her eyes glistened. “I’m proud of you, unnie,” Yeri says at last, her voice barely above a whisper. She’s smiling now, positively beaming at Seulgi.

        Both of them are crying now. “I think you should keep the name. You’ve done an amazing job at translating what it feels like to be in love and then fall out of it.”

 

        **

 

        It’s almost midnight on December 31st, and Seulgi’s album is set to be released the millisecond after the ball drops.

        She’s watching the countdown with a nervous energy jittering about her, surrounded by the throng of friends and family within the living room of her apartment. How so many people could fit into her studio apartment, Seulgi would never understand.

        How most of the people she invited showed up, she will also never understand. She’s just glad she’d packed the fridge full of food and the guests arrived with nearly enough dessert and bottles of liquor to pass around for days on end.

        Just after the countdown hits zero and everyone around her erupts into a disarray of loud yelling, whooping, clinking of glasses, and laughing - Seulgi hears the front door bell ring. “Happy New Year!” Someone screams into her ear, and she can’t help but giggle. She’d already had a few glasses of celebratory wine herself and was feeling giddy.

        The nervousness about her album release had been washed away with every cup she’d downed. She was with her friends. She was in a better place than she had been. She had gotten over Irene and started anew. _This year is going to be different,_ Seulgi had thought to herself.

        Carefully, the soloist picks her way through the apartment. She dodges high-fives aimed for other people and tries to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes. Vaguely, she hears people shouting her name, beckoning her back to the living room for another drink.

        “I’ll be right back!” She calls out before she turns the front door knob. “Just have to check up on something, first!” Perhaps someone had called a pizza place earlier, or maybe it was one of her neighbors asking her to dial down the noise. Seulgi was prepared for every scenario except for this one.

She never would have expected Irene to be standing there, shivering on her front door step. The older woman is swathed in thick layers of black thermal gear and flannel. She peers up at Seulgi from behind her thick wool scarf, squinting her eyes against the sting of the wind.

        “What the -” Seulgi reaches out for Irene’s shoulder without any hesitation and drags the half-frozen woman into her foyer, shutting the door behind her. Overwhelmed with worry, she cupped a hand to the older woman’s frigid cheek. “It’s below freezing out here!” Seulgi exclaimed in a hushed voice, gazing at the bluish tint of Irene’s skin.

        She didn’t want anyone to stumble across her and Irene just quite yet, and glanced uneasily over her shoulder. “Did you walk here or something? I didn’t see the van or anything...god, Irene what were you _thinking_?” Irene merely stared at her, lips slightly parted, eyes unfocused. “Jesus. You’ve turned into a living popsicle.”

        And then the older woman leaned in close. The familiar, almost comforting aroma of Irene filled Seulgi’s nostrils - strong fabric softener and a hint of perfume. Her gasp came of its own accord when Irene’s lips grazed against hers. What was happening?

        A shock ran up and then down her spine. Irene was cold, freezing at that. Irene’s lips felt like hard ice, but Seulgi quickly warmed them up. They were kissing as if nothing had ever happened between them, as if the past few months had never happened, as if the engagement ring grazing Seulgi’s cheek actually _meant_ something.

        Without even thinking, Seulgi leaned in close, crushing her body against Irene, opening her mouth hungrily to receive the older woman’s kiss. At first, Irene was gentle and patient. Her kisses came slow and languid, as if they had all the time in the world despite the possibility that anyone could come stumbling around the corner and find them together.

        It felt like Irene was trying to put as much emotion as she could through the kiss, grasping at Seulgi’s neck and running a hand over the small of her back. But it didn’t take long for the gentleness to give way for something else, something needier and hotter and more breathtaking. Seulgi’s mind was washed away with the tide of want. She had missed Irene, but she couldn’t have predicted how easily she fell back into the older woman’s advances.

        With hazy thoughts, Seulgi began pressing kisses to Irene’s ivory throat. She smiled at the way Irene’s fingers carded through her hair, tugging her closer, needing her closer than ever before. A sound, low and throaty, rose up out of Irene’s mouth and rang in Seulgi’s ears when she’d bitten down ever so slightly on the older woman’s neck.

        It was that sound that finally snapped the soloist out of her lust ridden mind, and she parted from Irene as if she’d been shot. “W-what was that?” Seulgi gasped, backing up until she came in contact with the wall. It was a mistake, but neither of them said it out loud. Irene stood before her, panting, shoulders rising and falling in a quick tempo. There was a darkness pooling in Irene’s eyes and something warm spreading throughout out Seulgi’s body.

        It had been a moment of weakness for the both of them - a reminder of just how perfectly they paired together and yet how much Irene had hurt her, how much pain had been inflicted on her. Seulgi was torn in between throwing the older woman back out into the midnight snow and dragging her down into her bed for the night.

        She frowned at how easily she’d given in to Irene’s touch, her mesmerizing kiss. It upset her how quickly her body had learned to forget everything. If it hadn’t been for Irene’s moan reminding her of where they were and what they were, would Seulgi have been able to stop herself at all?

        “Happy New Year, Seulgi-ah,” Irene murmured at last. Without looking back, the older woman reached for the front door knob, pulled it open, and let herself back out into the night without another word. In a daze, Seulgi touched two fingers to her lips, wondering if Irene had been there at all.

        With her other hand, she smoothed out her mussed hair and cleared her throat of the lump that had formed there. Then, acting as though nothing had ever happened, she stepped back into the living room, hoping she looked at least a tiny bit more collected than she had been, and rejoined her celebrating friends.

        “Hey, where did you go?” Sooyoung slurred in a soft voice, tugging Seulgi down onto the couch beside her. Someone passed Seulgi a freshly poured glass of champagne, and she took a grateful gulp of the bubbling liquid. “Hyoyeon was challenging you to a round of shots but we couldn’t find you.”

        “Just had to step out for some fresh air for a sec,” Seulgi reassured them. Her voice was too high pitched and was shaking slightly, but everyone was either too drunk to notice or chalked it up to nerves over the release of _Saudade._ A hand clapped itself over her shoulder, causing her to jump in her seat.

        “Don’t worry, unnie,” Yeri piped up from behind the sofa. She removed her hand from Seulgi’s shoulder and plopped down on the cushion next to her, grinning over at her and Sooyoung. Seulgi didn’t fight the urge to smile back. Yeri was always the optimistic kind of drunk, her favorite. “Your album’s going to sell out. I guarantee it.”

        At this Seulgi smile became a little thin, and she proceeded to down the rest of her champagne. Her mind was drifting back to Irene, to the way the older woman had desperately clung to her one moment and then the next was out the door.

        She wondered how Irene had gotten away from Seungwan’s sight long enough to come over, how Irene got her address in the first place, why Irene had even done such a thing in the first place. The beginnings of a headache were radiating in the back of her skull.

        Too many questions and not enough answers. On top of that, Seulgi knew she was about to get roaring wasted, determined not to think about the occurrence until morning. With a sigh, she poured herself another glass and felt both of her former bandmates eyes trained on her. “I hope you’re right, Yeri-ah,” Seulgi murmured. “I hope you’re right.”

 

        **

 

        Rumors of Red Velvet’s break up begin exactly three and a half months later. Seulgi was in her home’s private study, working on the lyrics to her next upcoming album (she’d already released two mini albums by then) when she got the text.

        Turns out Yeri _had_ been right about her music after all. Despite being released on the same day as New Years, _Saudade_ quickly flew off the shelves of music stores everywhere. Digital downloads came by the thousands in the following weeks that passed. Her music video hit a million views within the first few hours it had been posted.

And for the first time after a performance, Seulgi stood alone during the awards round. She felt a little awkward, arms folded in front of her politely as she bowed to the other groups surrounding her. Being a soloist was definitely different from being in a girl group.

        She had looked out at the crowd of people in front of her, the rows of chairs and faces she could barely make out. Suddenly, she longed for Sooyoung’s slender arm thrown around her. She wished she could hear the sound of Yeri’s giggling beside her.

        At least she’d lucked out and gotten choreography with a set of backup dancers for her first title track; their presence helped make the stage feel less intimidating. Being around other people helped deflect the discomfort she felt when she stepped into the spotlight immensely.

        Awkwardly, she found herself sandwiched in between two boy groups, bowing at each person as they walked by. Everyone was in a jitter of nerves, and she wished she had someone’s arm to cling onto as the MC’s began talking.

        Words couldn’t describe the moment where she realized that _her_ name had been called out for her first win. The best she can describe it is getting thrown into a pool and expecting ice cold water, only to find it pleasantly warm and inviting. Or maybe fireworks exploding in her heart and her chest and her head. Something like that.

        Of course, Seulgi stammered her way through the entire speech she prepared, thanking her manager and her company, and the many, many friends whose shoulders she had leaned on while producing and working on her album. She laughed, she cried, she bowed lower and longer than she ever had before.

        Truthfully, Seulgi hadn’t been expecting such overwhelming support for her music. Halfway through the encore, Seulgi began crying again. Looking back on the _Saudade_ era made her realize that out of all the moments in her career as a singer, her first win as a standalone soloist was quite possibly the best memory she ever had.

People actually _enjoyed_ her music.

        They liked hearing the way she bared her heart and soul out in the open, describing the heartbreak and the hard times and the fact that just because she was an idol, that didn’t mean she didn’t go through the same things that everyone else did.

        For a long time, Seulgi stared at her phone screen at the breaking headline, unsure of how to react. Big, bold letters jumped out at her from the LED screen. _Red Velvet to disband after four years._ She could scarcely believe that SM would merely give up on Red Velvet so quickly. The group still had a few years left in their contract with the company, so what was the matter?

        Hastily, Seulgi did a preliminary Google search to find out the truth once and for all. There wasn’t an official statement from SM yet but there were more than three news articles cropping up that reported the girl group was already disbanded.

        She shifted her attention to her messages, wondering if perhaps Sooyoung or Yeri had sent her anything that would’ve hinted to such conclusions. As she tapped on her and Yeri’s chat, her phone screen lit up with a call notification.

        Seulgi stared at the photograph displayed beneath the contact name. _Joohyun-ah._ She still hadn’t gotten around to changing Irene’s name in her phone just quite yet. There had been much more important things for her to be doing - preparing for her next comeback, writing more songs, guesting on radio talk shows, interviews.

In fact, Seulgi was so busy that she’d even forgotten about her New Year’s kiss from Irene, only reminded by lit display name.

        She’d taken the photograph of Irene herself, when they were still together and Seulgi was still a member of Red Velvet. Strangely enough, Seulgi doesn’t feel as phased at the sight of the notification as she would’ve been before _Saudade_ came out. She didn’t feel any butterflies or nervous jitters.

        There was no rush of color to her face, no shivers running down her spine. Rather, she felt the slow spread of numbness starting from her heart and blooming out towards her fingertips. Dread. A heaviness in her heart. Guilt.

        “I thought you might’ve blocked my number by now,” Irene joked lamely, when Seulgi finally accepted the call. Her voice came out with a sort of forced cheerfulness foreign to Seulgi’s ears, as if she were holding back a dam filled with emotions. It felt like Seulgi were talking to a stranger. In some ways, she was.

        “No. Not yet, at least,” Seulgi replied evenly. She sighed and set her pencil down on top of her open notebook. Half written lyrics remain unfinished as she pushes the paper away and leans back in the large black leather swivel chair she’d been reclining in. “You just never called _or_ texted...after I left.”

        There’s an awkward pause, a breath of silence between them. Seulgi thinks of bringing up the rumor then. “You know, I heard the funniest thing today,” Seulgi murmured absentmindedly. She turned in her chair and looked out of the study window. Something shuffles in the background of Irene’s end of the line, and she hears Irene clear her throat.

        “I’m sure you did,” the older woman answered, “It’s all anyone’s talking about, in fact.” Seulgi nodded her head, put her elbows back on the top of her desk and stared down at her notebook with unseeing eyes. “It’s true, then?” The soloist ran a hand over her face, screwing her stinging eyes shut for a moment. “Red Velvet is no more?”

        She hears Irene sigh shakily, trying to catch her breath. “Red Velvet is no more,” the older woman repeats softly. In silence, the pair stay on the line for another minute or so, listening to the sound of each other’s breathing. “Thanks for letting me know, unnie,” Seulgi replies at last before murmuring goodbye and ending the call.

        Instantly, Seulgi sprang into action. Within two minutes, she had dressed herself in enough layers to ward off the deathly chill of the temperature outside. In ten, she had called her manager for a ride and was impatiently waiting for the car to arrive, glaring out at the street while checking the time on her phone.

        When Seulgi finally wrapped her knuckles on the door of what used to be her old dorm, she realized she hadn’t prepared anything to say. She didn’t have any explanation for appearing at Red Velvet’s door other than the fact out of sheer instinct. Seulgi had felt the need to go to her girls - her second family. She was greeted by a tear stricken Seungwan, who she immediately embraced in a warm hug.

        “Everything’s going to be alright, Wannie,” Seulgi murmured into the sobbing woman’s ears. In spite of everything that happened, Seulgi still felt inclined to alleviate the pain as much as she could from the Canadian. At the sound of her voice, Sooyoung and Yeri flung their bedroom doors open and rushed out into the living room.

The pair tackled Seulgi and Seungwan’s embrace and enveloped them in a warm group hug.

        “Everything’s going to be okay,” Seulgi said again, this time addressing the other two who had joined them. For a long time, the three of them remained in each other’s embrace. Seulgi could feel the slight shaking of their shoulders, wracked with sobs.

        Seulgi didn’t ask about Irene until after she had made sure Seungwan drifted off to sleep with a cup of warm chamomile tea in her bedroom. She had ran a hand over the Canadian’s blond locks in a loving manner as she watched Seungwan’s eyelids flutter shut. Even after Seungwan’s betrayal, Seulgi still found it in her heart to forgive. She’d trained and debuted with these girls - they were still her family.

        Her family needed her, and Seulgi would be there for them, even if she’d had to battle her feelings for Irene alone that didn’t mean they had to go through the same struggle. Now Seulgi sat in the living room, staring out into empty space. Sooyoung approached her from the kitchen and pressed a steaming mug of green tea into Seulgi’s palm and sighed. They both eyed the closed door leading into Irene’s room.

        “You’re going to need the boost if you’re going to go through with the crazy shit I think you’re about to do,” was all the taller woman said with one last jarring look before slipping back into her room. Sipping at the steaming beverage, Seulgi stared at Irene’s bedroom door. An eerie quiet had filled the dorm.

        The lights in both Yeri and Sooyoung’s respective rooms were shut off. Seungwan was tucked away in her own bed, Seulgi had seen to that. Nothing moved. Seulgi looked around at the interior of the dorm, noticing everything that had changed and everything that hadn’t.

        It had been so long since she’d been here, yet she remembered each little detail that made up Red Velvet’s home, what used to be her home. Sighing, Seulgi finished her tea and steeled herself to check in on Irene. The eldest member of Red Velvet hadn’t stirred a bit since Seulgi’s arrival. Not a peep was heard emitting from her room, adding onto the bitter edge of anxiety Seulgi could taste in her mouth.

        Her heart hammered heavy, resonating against the bone of her ribcage. Had she pressed a hand to her chest, she would’ve felt it fighting to break free from her skin. Seulgi knew she wasn’t obligated to do any of this.

        She _didn’t_ have to spend her entire afternoon with Yeri and Sooyoung curled up on the couch in the living room. She _didn’t_ have to hold a shaking Seungwan in her arms as she cried in her bedroom before singing her softly to sleep. And she sure as _hell_ didn’t have to check in on how the leader of the group was taking the news.

        Irene, who had broken her heart into a million pieces. Irene, the woman she had fallen in love with when they were both so young and so bursting with life, ready to take on the world for what it was only to discover the harsh realities the world was full of. Irene, who had betrayed her over and over again.

        So why was she slowly making her way up from her seat and making her way towards Irene’s room? Even to her, it didn’t make sense. Perhaps this was all in the name of closure, the final test to see if Seulgi had finally gotten over the older woman. Taking a deep breath, Seulgi grasped at the handle and slipped inside.

        The room was dark, nearly pitch black. Just the way Seulgi knew Irene liked it.

Faint beams of white streamed in through shuttered windows, remnants of the dying evening light. The walls of Irene’s bedroom were still plain and white, free of any sort of decoration save for a photograph of her and her mother pinned above her wooden desk. It’s as immaculate as Seulgi was expecting from the older woman.

        While her eyes adjust to the darkness, her gaze lands on Irene’s bed. Squinting, Seulgi can just barely make out the misshapen form of someone beneath the blue downy comforter. _Irene_. Asleep, by the looks of it. Carefully, Seulgi pads her way across the plush carpet and flips on one of the lamps mounted on Irene’s desk. With a slight putter and flicker, a glow of warmth washes over the room.

        It takes approximately ten seconds for Irene to react, fluttering her eyes open. It takes exactly zero for Seulgi to realize that the older woman is as ravishing as ever, even with her hair strewn across half of her face as she sleeps. Blindly, Irene reaches out to turn the light off, and Seulgi gently takes her hand. The older woman’s eyes snap open, hazy for a brief moment before focusing on Seulgi’s face.

        Gingerly, Seulgi settles herself on the edge of Irene’s mattress, careful not to get too close to the woman she used to love. She doesn’t miss the wads of tissue paper, the rings of red around Irene’s eyes, or the sniffles emitting from the older woman. “Hey,” Seulgi murmurs.

        The older woman says nothing in return, merely blinking up at her with a confused expression. “How are you?” Seulgi asks with a defeated smile. The familiar feeling of exhaustion was crashing over her. Being strong for four other people took quite a toll on you, Seulgi was discovering. Her hand drops into her own lap, and she studies Irene’s blank expression.

        The engagement ring glitters on Irene’s finger from beneath the sheets. The sight of it doesn’t send Seulgi into a burning, blushing mess. Rather, the accessory ices over her heart as if it were a cold winter’s night. Now that everything’s been out in the open for a while about what happened between her and Irene, Seulgi’s had more than enough time to discover who she is and who she deserves.

        “My career as a professional singer is over,” Irene begins, sounding slightly congested. “How are _you_?” She laughs pitifully then, shaking her head at herself and running a hand through locks of inky hair. Seulgi wordlessly passes her an unused tissue, waiting for the older woman to continue, to get everything out of her system.

        “I fucked up. I fucked up _bad_ , huh, Seul?” And when Irene couldn’t seem to get the rest of her words out, Seulgi pulls her into an embrace. Seulgi knew then that she wasn’t in love with Irene anymore. There was just an empty hollow between them; a vacancy in Seulgi’s heart where the older woman used to reside.

        “Your life’s not over,” Seulgi attempted to reason, to keep her optimistic outlook flowing. “Think of it like a new beginning. There’s so many more things you can do, now!” Joohyun turned to look at her, eyes twinkling with hints of teardrops. “You think so?” Seulgi passed her another tissue, nodding her head.

        “You could be one of the most famous CF models in all of Korea, or start a career as an actress!” Joohyun blew her nose once, twice, then chuckled pathetically as she crumpled up the used paper and tossed it into the wastebasket beside her desk. “Maybe.”

        Seulgi stayed and listened, sympathized with the older woman’s feelings, held her when she needed to be held. Irene didn’t deserve it, both of them knew it, but Seulgi still did her best. The soloist listened and nodded to the jumbled phrases that tumbled out of Irene’s mouth. She allowed slender arms to envelop her in a bear hug, but her heart didn’t skip a beat.

        The spark, the verve – everything she’d ever felt for the older woman was all gone. No longer did she trace the constellations shimmering in Irene’s eyes. And for once, Seulgi felt as though she had finally won. She had kept her promise the day she’d gone out with Moonbyul, right after her and Irene broke up. Seulgi completed what she had originally thought impossible.

        Seulgi had gotten over Irene completely. It had taken a year’s time, but she did it. She’s so happy she almost begins to cry herself, ready to rise as victorious with her heart soaring out of her chest. But she doesn’t. Not yet. She couldn’t while Irene was still clinging to her, crying into her shoulder as she shuddered out a few broken sentences.

        Never once in her rambling did Irene utter an apology, but Seulgi hardly noticed. She was too busy contemplating over her own feelings, which were practically bursting forth from her. New ideas for songs, lyrics, and albums popped into her head and she was mentally jotting everything down.

        So far in her musical career as a soloist, Seulgi stuck with R&B, but perhaps this next comeback could feature songs with a more pep in them. Already her soul felt lighter, like a balloon lifting up towards the ceiling. She nodded along to whatever Irene was saying, her words become half-slurred with traces of much needed rest.

Besides, no matter what Irene said or did after this brief lapse of truce between them, nothing could coax Seulgi back into having any kind of relationship with her again.

        The moment Irene falls asleep, Seulgi untangles herself from the older woman’s vice-like grip and ducks out of the bedroom door. She didn’t love Irene anymore. The fact nearly had her smiling enough to split her face in two. It was hard not to slam the door shut with joy.

        Out of all the people that could’ve been waiting for her outside in the living room, Seungwan rises from the couch. There’s a blanket thrown across her shoulders and sleep weary in the Canadian’s eyes as she wanders over to where Seulgi’s standing.

        “Seulgi...I’m sorry.” Seulgi realizes then that she doesn’t really know what to say, or even feel, for that matter, so she merely stands there and waits for Seungwan to collect herself. Her ex best friend has tears streaming down the sides of her face like no tomorrow, her eyes red and puffy, her bottom lip quivering.

        “I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me...I don’t know if _I’d_ ever forgive me for all of this…for what I’ve done,” Seungwan sniffles, wiping her nose off on her pajama shirt sleeve. “But I know I have to say it.” She lurches forward and wraps her arms around Seulgi’s shoulders, drawing the soloist close to her shuddering body. “I’m so, _so_ sorry, Seulgi.”

        She’s so close that the soloist can feel the Canadian’s heart beating through her chest, pounding into her own ribcage. And while Seulgi feels pity, she doesn’t lift her arms from her sides to reciprocate Seungwan’s touch. A year had come and gone since she first learned of Seungwan and Irene, had first gone through the many hurdles of hardship and heartbreak.

        Three hundred and sixty-five days had been ample time for Seulgi to become indifferent to the many years of their friendship, tarnished by one single act of treason. “I miss the way things were, Seul,” Seungwan confessed, burying her face into Seulgi’s neck. She could feel the cool drip of the Canadian’s tears splashing at her skin.

“She started it...I swear to god she did,” Seungwan babbled on, her voice choked with emotion. “But it was never my intention to start anything between us.”

        She fights to meet Seulgi’s unwavering, empty gaze but her head eventually bows in shame. Her hands slide off of the soloist’s stoic form in defeat. “I don’t even know why we started doing what we were doing in the first place.” Seungwan shakes her head, and stares at the carpet. “Sometimes I think Irene was just trying to see what would happen, how you would react, like some sort of experiment…like _I_ was some kind of experiment. All I know is that she never really was mine, even after she broke up with you. She never really loved me.”

        She meets Seulgi’s eye then, tears still sparkling in the dim light of the dorm. “And when you left, and she started wearing that ring... _your_ ring...that’s when I realized I should have never gotten involved in the first place. I should’ve known better.” Gaining confidence, Seungwan takes a step forward and grasps Seulgi’s limp wrist in between both of her hands.

        “Irene’s just toying with us, Seul. I swear, she still is!” Seulgi shakes her head slowly back and forth, disagreeing with the Canadian. “No,” the soloist says. “I’m over her. She might have _you_ still wrapped around her finger, but not me. I know my worth, and I’m not stooping down to her level anymore.”

        She places one hand on Seungwan’s shoulder and looks into her eyes to make sure the other woman is listening to every word. She’s always had a soft, gentle soul, and even as she’s facing one of the few people she’d bestowed her trust upon and had in return given her nothing but pain, Seulgi remained the same. With time, she’s sure to forgive Seungwan. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or the next day after that, but somewhere along the line Seulgi believes she’ll get her best friend back.

        “I think it’s time you moved on, Seungwan,” Seulgi advised in a grave voice. “Not for my sake, but for your own. You’re an amazing talent. I think you’d be a good soloist. Maybe someday, we could even work together.” Searching in the Canadian’s tear filled eyes, she saw a hint of hope in Seungwan’s sorrowful gaze. “Call me when you land yourself a solo position, yeah?” Seulgi smiled.

        With that being said, the soloist gave Seungwan a quick hug before pulling away, quickly wiping one of the tears off of Seungwan’s cheeks. She confidently turned to exit the building she had come to call home for most of her singing career.

        Her head held high, Seulgi opened the front door and slipped out into the night, leaving behind every anchor of the past that was weighing her down.

        She had paid her dues to the lost love between her and Irene. She had settled everything with Seungwan. A smile refused to budge off of her face as she slipped into the passenger seat of her manager’s vehicle.

        No longer was she Kang Seulgi of Red Velvet.

 


End file.
